Loud Thinking: Challenging life, software, and media
Friday, April 19, 2002 @ 19:15

Academic frustations powered by abilities of deconstruction

Getting a basic understanding of any academic subject matter is a dangerous step for me. It's a straight path into the arms of an ambush of frustrations. The limited set of powers and reasoning to bring down poor applications of said subject matter is what kills me. It's knowing just enough to known how not to solve a problem.

These deconstructive abilities arrive and increase in potens well ahead of their constructive counterparts. Resulting in period of time where every solution I can think of is being shot down by myself. While stuck with this uneven distribution of deconstructive and constructive abilities, I easily spend an entire hour refining a single sentence — constantly coming up with reasons for why the current wording isn't satisfactory.

Being in a state of "one sentence per hour" for even a short duration of time is exhausting. Staying in that state for three, four, five hours brings on an army of frustating thoughts, all armed with extensionalistic questions, such as "is this line of education even right for me?". Fighting back can consume an entire day's worth of mental energy. Leaving everything else to lag behind.

I'd much rather be left blissfully ignorant and able to commit sub-standard bodies of work than this. The thought of emerging victoriously on the other side, as a wiser man, isn't large enough a carrot to warrant wilfully subjecting myself to these painful emotions of inadequacy. (It should seem.)

But of course, as soon as the examination has passed, my rewriting brain will adopt a glorified pictorial of the affair. And in time, it'll get so bad that I'm probably even going to look back with a smile and post-rational feelings of how educational it was.

So I feel an urge to engrave my present state of mind: I Hate Organizational Theory.

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